 The Plot: The water source of a small town is tainted with an experimental "male enhancement" solution that is turning men into raging misogynists. It is up to Phil O'Ginny and his acquaintance Misandra to combat the horrible evil aptly titled "The Taint". Can they survive in a world gone bat-shit crazy? Can a cure be found for "The Taint" or will society be digressed even further to a land of guys with raging testosterone levels and women filled with fear? I'd describe it even farther as "The Crazies on a binge of LSD and Enzyte". --------------------------------My Thoughts: My mailman must really hate me. He delivers around 10 dvds a months to me and does his job as good as the next guy. He's an older fella, is always respectful, and is almost always on time. But when he delivered this to me, he dropped down a few pegs in my book. He just happened to read the return address on the package and asked me one of the most awkward questions I've ever been asked by a public service worker, "What is the taint?" While I could have nicely explained that it was a low budget horror film and that I review movies for my own website, I instead took the obvious setup and explained that it is the area in between the balls and the butthole. He, naturally, looked disgusted and walked away quickly. So thanks again for not putting your name on the return address Drew. :D Now onto the film: I've got to be honest with you. It was as good as I expected it to be. I'm almost speechless. In fact, I might go as far as to say that it could be the best independent horror comedy I've seen all year. It is without a doubt the funniest one that I've seen all year. And with only two months before I give out the Birdie Awards, this sure makes it harder to decide any definite winners.I honestly don't have anything bad to say about the movie. The gore effects were amazing, the film was delightfully disgusting, and the story was fairly easy to follow. I liked how flashbacks would delve further into explanations as to what the hell was going on, the main character (portrayed by co-director Drew Bolduc) was likable yet flawed, and that there are plenty of lines that you could quote from the movie. It's well written to the point that the humor is timed well and all of the supporting characters are even enjoyable. The best parts were the misogynists themselves, whether tainted or not. They radiated of the traditional "you need sex to be a man" thought process and exasperated the lengths that men will go to in order to achieve this sensation. The film also has an undertone that I'm hoping others see in this film. Every man in this movie, except for maybe one of the scientists, is by definition a misogynist. It's obvious when it's portrayed through the crazy people with raging boners and violent behavior, but all of the men show some sort of feeling that they believe women aren't at the same social level as men. For example, my personal favorite character, Misandra's husband. Without being tainted, he spends his time on screen talking about how he beats off to a photo of his wife and lusts for her 24/7. It's as if the tainted water doesn't really make them crazy per say as much as it just expells their most intense sexual drives from their mind to where they are forced to act upon their urges (It doesn't help that it also gives them bigger dicks and larger more copious ejaculations). And I've seen this theme of one's hidden dark side being revealed before in a similar film, The Crazies. And trust me, when you have a guy on the internet positively comparing your film to a classic, your film is pretty fucking good. Directors Drew Bolduc and Dan Nelson did just that. Go watch it or I'll rip your face off. It's 69 minutes of fun. ------------------------------------------------The Verdict: 10/10. "Gang rape is not a joke." "We take it very seriously." ------------------------------------------------Thanks again to director Drew Bolduc for the screener and for helping me mentally scar my old mailman. Thanks to Dan Nelson You can buy the dvd on the film's website:http://www.taintmovie.com/home.html-------------------------------------------------Nudity note: This film is filled with dongs and there are a few sets of boobs.
 Yea I know this isn't horror related but fuck it. I posted this on Amazon and I feel like posting it here.
Well I got this 4 days ago from my local F.Y.E. It wasn't until that night that I realized that it actually comes out tomorrow and that someone at F.Y.E must have messed up and put a copy on the shelf.
I must say, as more of a fan of Light Heavyweights and Middleweights, this set is awesome. It's only 1 disc and doesn't have any real features (unless you count the "extra" fights),but it's content is worth the $20 I paid for it. Only one of the fights goes to a decision (Big Nog vs Couture), which makes this an exciting compilation for a newer UFC fan or someone who loves watching people drop or tap. The best part in my opinion is the addition of a few Fight Night and UFC on Versus fights never before released on DVD.
The "20 Full Fights" in the program are accompanied by a brief setup and are as follows:
Tim Sylvia vs Frank Mir from UFC 48
Cro Cop vs Gabriel Gonzaga from UFC 70
Brock Lesnar vs Frank Mir from UFC 81
Christian Wellisch vs Shane Carwin from UFC 84
Fabricio Werdum vs JDS from UFC 90
Randy Couture vs Lesnar from UFC 91
Big Nog vs Mir from UFC 92
Gabriel Gonzaga vs Shane Carwin from UFC 96
Brock Lesnar vs Frank Mir from UFC 100
Tim Hague vs Todd Duffee from UFC 102
Randy Couture vs Big Nog from UFC 102
Roy Nelson vs Brendan Schaub from the Ultimate Fighter 10 Finale
Frank Mir vs Cheick Kongo from UFC 107
JDS vs Gilbert Yvel from UFC 108
Big Nog vs Cain Velasquez from UFC 110
JDS vs Gabriel Gonzaga from UFC on Versus *
Frank Mir vs Shane Carwin from UFC 111
Roy Nelson vs Stefan Struve from UFC Fight Night *
Cro Cop vs Pat Barry from UFC 115
Brock Lesnar vs Shane Carwin from UFC 116
The "Bonus Material" consists of 10 bonus fights, 5 "classic" and 5 modern day, in their entirety as well.
The "Bonus Fights" are:
Frank Mir vs Brandon Vera from UFC 65
Frank Mir vs Antoni Hardonk from UFC 74
Cain Velasquez vs Jake O' Brien from UFC Fight Night *
Shane Carwin vs Neil Wain from UFC 89
Brendan Schaub vs Chase Gormley from UFC on Versus *
The "Classic" fights are:
Tank Abbott vs Joun Matua from UFC 6
Don Frye vs Thomas Ramirez from UFC 8
Mark Coleman vs Dan Severn from UFC 12
Randy Couture vs Tony Halme from UFC 13
Vitor Belfort vs Tank Abbott from UFC 13
So you get alot of bang for your buck and it's well worth the purchase.
* denotes a fight never before released on dvd
 Plot: After being stalked by a killer chef in the last two films, Jenny and Sharon are back for so "good ol' slasher fun" in the final installment of what is being billed as "one of the stupidest film trilogies in history". This time around, the workers of a Bong Shop and the workers of a rival cafe are the focus of this crazed killer. --------------------------------- My Thoughts: This movie sucks. Yep I said it. It sucks. It has a decent backstory, but the film itself is just 71 minutes of poorly edited trash that has about as many technical problems with the dvd that a working dvd can have without being illegal to sell. The aspect ratio looks as though the video was stretched a bit then zoomed in. Looks awful on my 32 inch Sanyo. The scenes are seemingly edited together randomly, which in turn makes the movie feel too rushed and makes things not make sense. Both of these problems make this very hard to watch. Now to the movie. While I haven't seen the previous two films yet, I notice alot of things about the overall atmosphere of the film. The movie is self aware of it's own suck, which makes it rather humorous. The acting is awful, the dialogue and situations are dumb but that strangely adds to the charm of the picture. The two best actors in the film, Lloyd Kaufman and Dick Boland, happen to play the two most zany characters in the flick. They were honestly the two best things about the film and they also delivered the best lines. Are their performances good enough to save them from The Fan label I give god awful films? Strangely, in this case, they do. As bad as the editing and writing was, I didn't hate the film as much as I hate the one's in The Fan. The gore was good for low to no budget, the tits were a plenty, and the cook is an interesting killer. Fans of the series and fans of low budget slashers should love it. I say, watch it once or twice. Not good enough for over three viewings, but it's a good way to waste an hour. One last thing though, don't read the description on the back. Whoever came up with it was dumb enough to accidentally hint as to what the ending is. This wouldn't have been a big deal if the movie actually used the premise throughout, but instead it's just employed at the end as if it was a last minute decision. ----------------------------------------------------------------------The Verdict: 6/10. ------------------------------Thanks to Director Thomas Edward Seymour for the screener. If I get the chance, I'll review the first two films of the series someday.
Well I'm back and here with the first ever HMC ON THE SCENE. Last Saturday was Horror Society's 2-Day film festival (A total of 22 hours between both days if you count the breaks). If you want a picture of any of these film's posters, then just email me.
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Here's the movies I saw:
SATURDAY
A Blind Date with Coffin Joe - Nice little tribute to Joe. Funny too.
TXT: The Movie - Funny as hell, had a nice cameo by Ari Lehman, and Derek Dziak was there. Unfortunately he jetted right after it ended so I didn't have a chance to get my copy of The Landlord signed.
Cabine of the Dead - Funny little French zombie short. Glad to see foreign stuff was submitted.
Lonely - Somewhat funny zombie piece. It was a tad predictable, yet heartwarming.
Get off my Porch - Really funny short that reminds me of why I hate Girl Scouts.
Terrorvision - Still a classic. Definitely one of my favorite cheesy 80s horror flicks.This needs a DVD release.
The Guest - Predictable. That is all.
Staplerfahrer Klaus (AKA Forklift Driver Klaus) - Funny as shit. Highlight as far as all the shorts are concerned. I'll post a link of it in the Birdcage.
Popatopolis - Nice documentary on Jim Wynorski. Too bad the Director left before I could get him to sign my poster. Also too bad that they only brought 10 dvds. They were bought before I could get one and have it signed. Guess I'll have to hunt a copy down.
Chopping Mall - Still a classic and was great to follow up Wynorski's documentary. The kills were great and the robots were awesome.
Ugly - Seven Words. What the fuck did I just see?
Slices of Life - Awful just awful. Overused shitty CGI (mainly that dumb scary face thing thats popular on youtube. It's on every type of movie editor. STOP USING IT!!! IT'S NOT COOL OR SCARY!!!!), the stories were written like shit and copy alot of other films (The 3rd rips off both Teeth and Alien), acting was shitty, and to top it off the whole fucking cast was seemingly in the crowd hootin' and hollerin' throughout the whole fucking thing. It's one thing to be happy that you accomplished something, that you have your film premiere in a beautiful theater, and that you get to feel famous but they people were fucking pricks. They clapped and cheered for every name in the opening credits, clapped and cheered whenever someone new was one the screen, and were just loud assholes. You all know that stereotype about blacks being loud? Well it's true. A family of like 20 of them came to see this garbage and were jabberin' throughout the whole fucking thing. Two black kids, whom belonged to that family, were screaming and being scared as shit throughout right in my fucking ears. GOD DO I HATE GENERAL FUCKING ADMISSION. I feel that I won the whole ordeal though. After the film was done, the director looked me in the eyes and asked me if I liked it. Before the flick, he said that if we don't like the flick then we shouldn't tell him. But since he asked, I gave him a shit-eating grin and a death stare as if saying "No I didn't like your fucking movie. Now go finish your Q&A so I can watch A Serbian Film then go home." He says it took 4 years to write. I could have written that in probably 3 hours. Not worth the 2 hours of watching it. I love Indy-horror, but goddammit it it pains me to see a lack of respect for the whole process and then to see people actually enjoy this. I'd personally rate it a 2/10 and I wish the director good luck on his future.
A Serbian Film - The last film on Saturday night, in 35 mm and was pretty good. Sick as fuck as well. Drug on in parts but that could have been the fact that it was 2 AM and I was a tad tired. Can't wait for a US release.
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SUNDAY
Paisley Babylon - This was a bunch of clips set to a soundtrack scratched by a DJ and included sound bites from Goblin's compositions from Dawn of the Dead. Kinda cool, but it started off Sunday morning and 2:00 P.M. is too early for that shit.
Slime City - Still a grind-house phenomenon. The audience generally loved it and were laughing at the cheesy acting, the brain scene, and the splatter effects. Being a contact to Greg Lamberson, I'm happy he chose to show it there.
Slime City Massacre - Very good sequel but it did take me off guard. Did a great job of explaining the back story of the elixir, the "Himalayan Yogurt" and the cult. Splatter and slime effects were pretty cool, loved the Lloyd Kaufman cameo (As did everyone else. The whole crowd was cheering and yelling "LLOYD!!!!"), the acting was pretty good, and the story was written very well. I liked it and so did almost everyone else.
Satan Hates You - This was ok. Didn't like that two lame demons were the "chorus of this tragedy". The dialog was trash in most parts, and the ending was incredibly predictable. Good gore though. Favorite part was the cameo by Michael Berryman (Hills Have Eyes '77) as a pissed off jesus loving hotel owner. Angus Scrimm and Debbie Rochon also had cameos. Oh and this film did make me very pleased as it scared the shit out of two kids to the point that they both left the theater and one was bawling (Movie wasn't nearly scary enough to cause that. They shouldn't have been there anyway.). Two guys also got kicked out for fucking around with a laser pointer. I HATE GENERAL ADMISSION.
Demons - Loved seeing this in 35mm, but the print they had was chopped down due to damaged slides and damaged scenes. Reminds me that I loved the black pimp, movie theaters are my 3rd favorite movie setting (behind only Malls and Video Rental stores), and that Lamberto must have been smoking crack while directing this.
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Got some cool shit too:
DVDS
Incest Death Squad 2 (signed by Cory J. Udler) - $10
George Romero's The Crazies - $15
5 Films By Dario Argento Anchor Bay set - $25
Region 2 DVD of Popcorn - $20
COMICS/MAGAZINES
Army of Darkness: Ash Saves Obama issues 1-4 (#1 is signed by the artist) - $15
Terror Firmer issue 1 (signed by Lloyd Kaufman) - $6
The Toxic Avenger issue 1 - $5
Pinhead issue 1 - $5
Winter issue of Girls and Corpses - Free because I bought 3 DVDs from one vendor.
POSTERS
Popatopolis
Piranha 3D
Resident Evil Afterlife 3D
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Overall, it was a fun times with only a few problems I had with it. They could have had a few longer breaks instead of just 15 minute ones throughout the day, could have had a few better guests, and they one had one small giveaway for haunted house tickets.
I had a blast talking to some great people like Cory J. Udler, whom I talked to about religion for 15 straight minutes, and the theater operators who I must thank for doing the hard work that they do. So until next time, this is your boy JB on the scene.
Welcome back to the the segment where I binge on horror and then mentally break down on my keyboard as I smash random buttons to review films for you. Today is part 2 of 3. I would've had this posted up two days ago, but SOMETHING SUDDENLY CAME UP (High-five if you read that in Marsha Brady's voice).
 Better Off Undead
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Plot: Three college students are chilling on a normal day when zombie's attack! On their way to their "safe house" (AKA one of the boy's bachelor pad), they are forced to fight the zombies and their own personal egos.
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My Thoughts: Not much to say here. It's only 29 minutes long, but it packs a decent punch (Decent enough to get it screened at selected festivals). The make-up is great, the acting is so so, and the plot is... uh... what?
The truth is that the plot is the focal point of this short's failures. During it's duration, the film never truly explains why there are zombies. This leaves plenty of unanswered questions and plot holes throughout it. I understand that at just short of a half an hour, not much time can be spent on focusing on the back-story. But then why not make this longer? Money shouldn't be a problem since there is barely any to begin with so why not? Did the writers just not have a reasonable explanation for it?
The guys behind this also made DVD copies of it for sale. I was unfortunately one of the poor suckers who bought it for the outrageous price of $10. Ok so maybe that last sentence is a little misleading. The film is ok, the features are good enough, but the DVD has a major glitch. If you try to skip a chapter, the audio will go out. It's a hassle to deal with.
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The Verdict: 6.5/10
 Isle of the Damned
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Plot: A group of people in search for Marco Polo's lost treasure. They instead find a cannibal tribe known as the Yamma Yamma in this hilarious spoof of the Italian cannibal genre. For the most part, it is similar to Cannibal Holocaust's plot (Well except for that whole treasure thing).
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My Thoughts: I'll try to keep this one straight forward and short. I love this film! It perfectly spoofs, while still praising and giving homage to, films like Cannibal Holocaust, Cannibal Ferox, and so on. Obvious references include the hilarious dub track they put over the characters' dialogue, the amazingly gory death scenes, and the underlying moral about society's opinion on the "savages" we strive to be different from.
Hell even the cover is an homage to Cannibal Holocaust. Notice the cannibal on the spike, a direct reference to a scene in Cannibal Holocaust, and the "BANNED IN 492 COUNTRIES!" disclaimer in the bottom right hand corner. This is of course in reference to CH's notoriety as a video nasty and it's banning in many places around the globe. And if you didn't realize this, it should become obvious since there aren't even 492 countries in the world. There is more like 196. All in all, it's satirical and funny as shit.
This also is notable for starring fellow Horror Yearbook alumni Larry Gamber as Jack Steele and Antonello Giallo. Glad to see that someone I know can be a part of something so great. If you need any more reassurance as to why you should pick this up, there is an amazing DVD special edition that had an awesome pop-up book styled case on the inside of it and it won a TLA Raw award for "Best New Cult Horror". Go buy it!
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The Verdict: 10/10 "Why do these savages hate us so?!"
 Legends: A Friday the 13th Tale
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Plot: A group of men and women in their twenties go camping. Too bad Jason shows up.
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My Thoughts: This is your generic Friday the 13th fan film with a tiny twist. The Jason in this is pretty much a guy in a store bought Jason costume complete with a mask of Jason's head and the hockey mask. The kills aren't that memorable and the film is only about 40 minutes long.
Now with that said, it's well shot, pretty well acted, and is paced well. It shows good promise from the film company, Godbout Entertainment, and makes me eager to find out if they follow up on this or not. The ending leaves it up for debate, but seeing as they have made other fan films, it's possible for them to follow up on this story. Their site says that a Legends 2 is in production, but it is going to be a separate Halloween fan film. Overall, I'd say watch this if you are a Friday the 13th nut or really bored.
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The Verdict: 8/10
 The 8th Plague
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Plot: Launa, our attractive protagonist, is worried about her sister's strange disappearance (makes sense). Her search takes her and the group of "helpers" to an abandoned prison where they discover an occult, satanic, dark secret from the prison's past.
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My Thoughts: I'll Keep this short. This is definitely one indy flick that you should check out. It's gory, well acted, and it even had a few moments that made me blink and/or jump a bit (and it didn't have to use the pussy way of inserting sharp and loud noises into it's scenes either. Take notes Platinum Dunes).
My only problem with the film is the plot. Not the main idea of plot, but more precisely just some small things and the ending. One scene that comes to mind is one where a couple bumps uglies in a jail cell. Well that's pretty fucking romantic right? Knocking boots in an abandoned/haunted/infamous prison that is said to be a center of evil while they should be searching for their friend's lost sister. What fucking assholes! It is in my opinion a dull, and stupid scene that had obviously only one resolution to begin with. The ending, without giving it away, also contradicts the beginning of the movie. To my suprise, not many reviews I've read have even picked up on this. If you end up watching the film, then look out and see if you know what I'm talking about.
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The Verdict: 8/10
That's it for now, but stay tuned for the monstrous 9 review packed Part 3. Thanks to Celebrity Video Distribution for the 8th Plague DVD and the other 16 DVDs and 1 Blu-Ray you sent me. The rest of the DVDs I bought except for Legends which I downloaded off the company's site. You can buy The 8th Plague here, Isle of the Damned here, and you can download Legends here and visit Better Off Undead's myspace here.
As some of you may know, I had to sweep my computer and delete everything on it. Unfortunately that meant like 6 reviews, 3 of my movie scripts, and a few downloaded videos were lost (Like Metalface, some Halloween Fan Films, and alot of stuff from Retro Horror Remix). So let me make up for lost time by posting some short reviews on a bunch of horror flicks. This is part one of three that I will be posting within the next few days.  Gutterballs
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Plot: Two rival bowling teams (not kidding) get into a scrap at a bowling alley the night before their big "face-off". One of the women gets raped by three of the opposing male bowlers after her teammates have left and she is traumatized. The next night, the two teams go against each other while a killer is running rampant throughout the alley.
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My Thoughts: This being a slasher throwback, it still had managed to make some original and creative kills (including a gruesome and satisfying scene where a woman is sodomized with a bowling pin, someone being killed with a ball polisher, and even someone strangling on a fat, juicy dick). I found myself applauding this movie throughout almost every-time someone was offed. In fact, I have three problems with Gutterballs.
Number One: The Characters are dumb as shit. People are leaving and not coming back and yet that doesn't bother anyone until there is like three people left.
Number Two: The Story is a tad unrealistic. Two rival bowling teams made up of people in their late teens or early twenties who rumble whenever they are near eachother? What is this? The fucking roaring twenties? I'd be more believable if it were two groups of nerds, but these are glam, hot, hipsters/hookers! They should be at home talking about MTV and plastic surgery, not bowling.
Number Three: The twist. It's not horrible, but it seems a bit unrealistic and a tad predictable. I won't spoil it, but something just doesn't feel right about it.
All in all, Gutterballs is one hell of a way to spend a night. Watch it with other horror-fiends, and be graced by one of the best indy films of the new millenia.
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The Verdict: 9/10. Go watch it.
 Hanger
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Plot: A hooker is killed when her pimp tries to give her a home-made abortion. Eighteen years later, the surviving fetus has grown into a horribly deformed and very pissed off teen with a sense of revenge.
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My Thoughts: Not much to say about this one. It's not better than Ryan Nicholson's previous endeavor (Gutterballs) and it in fact might be the worst film he has made to date. The acting sucks and the humor is sub-par. The only thing making this film worth while at all is the gore, which is fucking disgusting yet well played. I'd reccomend it to hardcore splatter fans or people who don't mind feeling nauseous while watching a movie.
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The Verdict: 6.5/10. Blarg.
 I.D.S (AKA Incest Death Squad)
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Plot: An incestuous brother and sister, Jeb and Amber Wayne, carry out the message of their deceased father and "God". Unfortunately the message is to punish sinful tourists by taking them to their farm house and killing them while preaching their cause. It becomes even more tense when our main character, a reporter looking for a story on Chronic Wasting Disease, travels to these deep parts of Wisconsin.
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My Thoughts: I originally saw this back at Horror Society's B-Movie Madness 2 Festival in January up in Chicago. I remember that when when the credits rolled, there was only about 20 of the 80 plus people still in the theater. This could have happened for a few reasons.
First off, it was the last film showed. It followed two horror shorts (Thirsty and Hypochondriac) and two films done by cult genre director Kevin Tenney (Night of the Demons and his latest zombie flick Brain Dead). This meant that the movie started at about 10:45 and got over after midnight. Some people do have other shit to do after all.
Or it could have been because of the extreme scenes of nudity, violence, and religious dialect. It could have overwhelmed the crowd seeing as it was more hardcore than the other films that were shown and that the event was general admission, meaning anyone could just pop in at any moment to see the movies. If the people attending weren't particularly used to this smut on the screen, then they might not have been too enthusiastic to see it to the end.
This disappointed me as the Q&A with the cast and director was cancelled and all I had to remember the film by was a DVD signed by director Cory J. Udler and one of the stars (Greg Johnson).
Now the film itself was actually pretty good. It was disturbing, had some pretty good acting from the lead actors (with some bad performances by some of the lesser roles), and the idea was there throughout the whole film. The only big nitpick I have is the ending. It felt a bit rushed, a bit unsatisfying, and it shamelessly opened up for a sequel (Which is on the way in September). It kind of tarnished the whole mood that the previous scenes had put into place. I'd recommend this to splatter fans or people, like me, who are suckers for horror with religious context. Watch this and then take a nice long shower.
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The Verdict: 8/10. I BELIEVE IN JEB WAYNE.
 The Monster and The Ape
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Plot: A Robot is stolen from a laboratory, an ape kills some people, and the search is on. Sounds like a bad sitcom, but it's actually a cheesy 15 part serial originally shown in drive-in theaters during the 1940's.
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My Thoughts: This has to be one of the coolest yet strangest DVDs I've been sent to date. MVD Visual and Cheesy Flicks sent this to me, and I couldn't have been happier that they did. It's schlocky vintage fun that's released so the young folk get to see what granddad was watching after he came back from the war.
To be honest, the plot is ridiculous, the acting is pretty bad, the effects are cheesy, and it takes about 7 and a half hours to watch it from beginning to end. But that just adds to the charm of it (Well except for the run-time. That might be a little disparaging if you don't watch it in separate portions).
The print quality is excellent, and the dvd is chocked full of vintage ads for even more nostalgic material for great-grandma Sue to ramble about. This might be my sleeper pick for DVD Release of the year.
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The Verdict: 7/10 for the serial, 10/10 for the DVD and presentation.
Thanks to: Ryan Nicholson for the Gutterballs and Hanger DVDs. Extra thanks for signing them and for describing them as "educational" dvds on the mailing package. Cory J. Udler and Greg Johnson for selling and signing the DVD to me back in January. Too bad I didn't realize that more of the crew was there or else I could have had the whole bunch sign it. MVD Visual and Cheesy Flicks for "The Monster and The Ape" DVD. Stay in touch. You can buy Incest Death Squad here, Gutterballs and Hanger here and here, and The Monster and The Ape here. Stay tuned for parts 2 and 3 of this series.
 Plot: Two guys abduct two girls to fulfill their snuff film aspirations. *yawn*
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My Thoughts: Don’t let that fake yawn fool you. I had mild expectations for this film. It had nice cover art, it dealt with snuff films (an intriguing topic), and it is supposedly based on a true story. It somehow didn’t even match my hopes in the slightest.
To start out the film, were are told that the movie we are about to see is a dramatization of the true life events performed by William Allen Grone in the late 90s. Key word? DRAMATIZATION. The choice to put this before the film was a terrible decision as it put the viewer out of their place. They all of a sudden can’t be put into the movie mentally and there is immediately no reason to care about anything they are about to watch (It also doesn‘t help that the characters are morons that we can‘t care about either and the actors can‘t act).
I expected rape, violence, blood, gore, brutality, murder, horrible unjust crimes but the movie had little to give. The most violent part was either a simple little stab or a gunshot to the head. Pretty tame since there wasn’t anything spectacular done to the “victims” when they were captive. Cigarette burns were the worst they got until around 70 minutes into the movie. At the point, I was almost going to turn it off. They tried to interject some hooker crap into the plot, but it didn’t add to the story.
Their biggest problem, going with the fact that the characters are unlikeable, is that no character is explained very much. No backgrounds whatsoever unless you count that one killer is revealed to have erectile disfunction.
At the end, we are given 2 minutes or so of “real” snuff footage shot by Grone in 1998. I’m almost 100% sure that that was another dramatization used to try to captivate the audience like another “movie” did last year (The Fourth Kind). My beliefs are justified even more for the fact that a google search for Grone shows nothing but pages about this movie and other people not having any information about him. It’s very disappointing.
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Verdict: 1.5/10
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Note: 1 pair of boobs in “stock” scenes.
Thanks to Brain Damage films for the screener. Keep your eyes open for my review of Gorno in the upcoming weeks.
 Plot: A troupe of high school cheerleaders head to cheer camp to learn the essentials in order to touch up on their skills before the big competition. Unfortunately they didn't expect an axe-wielding homicidal maniac to be attending. ----------------------------------------------- My thoughts: I usually start off by saying "Wow this was good." or "Oh my fucking god! What the hell did I just watch?" but I am going to go a different route on this one. I know that by just looking at the title, many slasher fans can either immediately tell that this is a horror-comedy or they are thinking that people have really run out of ideas and that they are just going to whore-out the old formula made popular by Jason and the earlier slasher villains. This movie came as a suprise by using a similar formula in a way that seemed as if it were an homage to the campy, fun slashers from the 80s. This could be told by it's use of stereotypes for the characters. You have: - The outrageously beautiful cheerleader who is a naughty slut. - The sort of geeky cheerleader who is actually passionate for cheering - The fat chick who believes she is better than you - The girl who is obsessed with her fat-ass boyfriend - The loner who gets made fun and has a dark past (My favorite in this film. Played by the gorgeous Roxy Vandiver) - The hot guy - The dumb sheriff - The authority figure who is a hypocritical piece of shit - And of course the gay guy who acts like a total princess I also loved the humor of the film and I really enjoyed the setting. (Well... I don't have a clue why a cheer camp is in the middle of the woods but it's all cool.) I also felt the acting was appropriate since they fit the role they were for. I haven't enjoyed stereotypes this much since Black Devil Doll. The best two actors were easily the "goth" cheerleader and the sheriff. I did still have some problems with the film in parts. While I loved the kills, the flesh wounds weren't amazing and they looked too similar (Except for the burn makeup). The CGI used near the end is awful and was a tad frustrating. But my major problem with this film is with a little girl who was introduced near the beginning of the movie. She was so bad to watch and it was laughably bad whenever she would say a line. And I understand that not all kids are a Corey Feldman but this was unbearable. Overall, I approve this very much and it is one of the best indy slashers from the past few years that I have seen. I recommend it to any gore hound and/or slasher fan. ------------------------------------------------- Verdict: 8/10 ------------------------------------------------ Thanks to Kerosene Films for the screener. This is screening at the Dances With Films Festival this weekend, June 5th at 11:45pm at the Laemmle Sunset 5 in West Hollywood if any of you nearby are interested. Tickets, as well as the DVD, are available at http://spiritcampmovie.com ------------------------------------------------- Note: Suprisingly not a ton of nudity in this one. Only one vagina and four boobs. Still watch it.
 Plot: Don't play stupid. It's a remake of the 1984 classic A Nightmare on Elm Street. It's pretty much the same story with some changed names and new "creative" twists from those douchebags at Platinum Dunes. Nancy and friends are stalked by a strange misfigured man but don't know why.
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My Thoughts: Well. So much for thinking that I might enjoy this one. Welcome back to the Freddy-Thon where I'm here to present Nightmare fans with bad news. This film sucks. So now after wasting two hours in a boiling hot movie theater surrounded by loud assholes, I'm forced to go back to the Fan section of my reviews (and oh boy did this movie hit the fan.).
Many of you reading this will be gravely disappointed to hear that if you watched all of the trailers, like me, then you will find this movie to be long, tedious, and drug out. The shit that was shown in the trailers was pretty much the whole movie. This is another case, just like 2003's When a Stranger Calls, where the trailers ruined too much of the movie (Atleast the climax of this movie managed to stay intact.)
Now, as a true Nightmare on Elm Street fan through and through, I will say that this did feel like a Nightmare flick. This is perhaps due to Jackie Earle Haley giving arguably his best performance to date. Watching him being a mean S.O.B. while still giving funny and somewhat disturbing one-liners was actually pretty entertaining. I do wish though that someone else would have actually realized that they are supposed to be acting and now just showing their "gusied up", "teen heartbeat" faces. And it pains me to say, that while it's usually one of the outrageously pretty people who is the worst actor, Connie Britton steals the infamy in her role as Nancy's mother.
While we are on the topic of people's mothers, Nancy has no father figure in this movie. In fact, whenever I saw someone who had a parent, the parent seemingly had no spouse or partner. What the fuck is this? An ad for a dating service? Removing Nancy's father from the picture is like taking the backbone out of a human. In the original movie, Nancy's father was there for her in the end. He was the one person who would help her when the others failed or didn't believe her. He was a pivotal character in the series and I'm sure that John Saxon is somewhere tossing and turning in his sleep since his character was scrapped so tastelessly.
The story is a decent one. Like I said, it's basically the same as the original. I know what some of you are probably wondering, "If it's the same then doesn't that mean it's great?" No. Everything that they added seemed to sucked the soul out of the original idea. For example, they don't really focus on Nancy that much in the first thirty or so minutes. Instead they focus on Kris, a.k.a Tina's replacement. This could be very confusing for new viewers who have never seen a Nightmare on Elm Street film before. And nobody even get me started on the "micro" naps bullshit. That was easily the dumbest way I've ever seen a movie try to explain something. It felt as though the guys at Platinum Dunes didn't feel like anyone can comprehend an idea unless they explain it to you. It's like if you didn't want to eat a certain food but some asshole keeps shoveling the shit into you're mouth.
The kills are not very good either (They even basically reused Tina's death for Kris). They are good ideas for kills but they are presented horribly with crappy CGI. Actually, everything in the movie seemed tainted by CGI. The re-shot "rubber" wall bit based of the original, the blood, the fire, hell I think even Freddy's face was messed up too with CGI "touch-ups". This was even more disappointing since I didn't mind Freddy's new make-up until they started messing around on their computers.
I'm also dreadful to say that the ending was bad like the rest of the movie. The way Freddy "died" was fucking pathetic. And right before he gets his, one of the worst alluding quotes comes out of Nancy's mouth that made me want to hang myself. What does she say? Well she quote's Lori from Freddy vs Jason. You probably can already guess what it is she says so I'm just going to leave it at that.
So let's tally that up. One recycled script, some bad CGI, pointlessly pretty actors and actresses for teens to masterbate to, stupid "new" background information, Nancy's mom is a shitty actress, the "twists" are stupid, and there is a bad ending. Subtract that from ten and you get all of the points this movie got from Haley alone.
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Verdict: 3/10. One...Two... Thanks for the money.
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This concludes our Freddy-Thon. I would have loved to have ended on a lighter note but shit happens. I'm hoping that it gets better really soon. Especially since Fred Eggink from the Never Sleep Again documentary emailed me yesterday to say the DVD is in the mail. That should be fun and I'm very excited for it. Stay tuned til then Freddy fans and sleep well.
 Plot: Kevin Marks, a young man tormented by memories of his own childhood kidnapping by Freddy Krueger (Pre-death of course), finds himself once again being stalked by the maniacal killer. With the help of his Native American crush, will Kevin be able to withstand Freddy's powers? Or will he just be fresh meat for Freddy. ------------------------------- My thoughts: In a timeline of the Nightmare on Elm Street films, it's easy to get confused. 1,3,4, and 5 are barely connected plot-wise while 2 is a completely unrelated situation that would just be ignored and Freddy's Dead was the perverbial end. New Nightmare lives in an alternate universe where the viewer is told to know that it's not real and it's just a movie, and Freddy vs Jason is fucking impossible to place anywhere on the pre-existing timelines. The cool thing about Freddy's Return is that it fits nicely in between The Dream Child and Freddy's Dead. It was a great choice by the filmmakers to make it so. This movie is easily the best fan film I've ever seen. And I have seen alot of them (Horror House Cult Murders anybody?). The film does a great job of switching back and forth between Kevin's childhood nightmares and his current day problems dealing with Mr. Krueger. It also, suprisingly, has extremely original kill sequences and to my knowledge only borrows one gimmick from The Dream Master". The acting is spectacular as well. Jennifer Farr and David Buczynksi do great jobs as the two heros of the story. The guy who played Freddy also did a good job. To be fair, Freddy's makeup was great. It had the feel of the original makeup without just looking like an alien or an inbred retard (Sorry "new" Freddy and Victor Crowley). The glove was also damn fine as well. To end, the story was good, the ending was fun, and it never disappointed me. It felt like a direct to DVD sequel instead of just a $3,000 fan film. I honestly prefer it over a few of the sequels. ----------------------------------- Verdict: 9/10. (Some CGI and audio problems docked it a point. Sorry.) ----------------------------------- Sadly this movie isn't on DVD. But you can download it here: http://nightmareonelmstreetmovie.com/freddy%E2%80%99s-return-nightmare-reborn
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Come back in like 4 hours as I wrap-up the Freddy-Thon with the remake.
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