Originally written for www.horroryearbook.com
 In 2011, there have been very few horror films that have actually delivered the goods. In fact, over the last decade, it has seemed that the best films have been coming from across the pond, most notably from Spain, France, and jolly old England. The English has been exporting plenty of quality programs to American audiences over the last few years spanning from The Mighty Boosh, both versions of the Office and an American remake of Shameless on Showtime to miniseries/films such as Dead Set, Colin, and the new film Panic Button which has definitely lived up to the hype it has had before this review.
The plot of the film involves 4 strangers named Jo, Max, Gwen, and Dave who have been invited onto a private jet to compete against each other to win prizes in a sweepstakes held by Norwegian social networking site All2gethr. At first the contestants are all drinking champagne and remaining relaxed having a wonderful time, but by the third round of games it is evident to everyone that this isn’t a simple competition and that their lives are all in danger.
The crew on the film did a fantastic job on almost every aspect. The acting was superb and while watching the film I was truly drawn in and actually felt the fear the characters were suffering on the claustrophobic jet. The film kept me in suspense and when I thought I knew what was gonna happen in the end, two separate plot twists caught me off guard and added a little extra oomph to the overall tone of the film.
The sad thing about this film is that the characters set themselves up for this because of what they had posted on the internet and for what they had done in the past. It’s the traditional human fault plot device along with revenge and the sense that no one can be trusted.
While my suspension of disbelief was at Saw levels (in fact you could put Jigsaw as the main villain and call this Saw and the ending felt very tacked on and shoved into the film in order to give the contest reason, the film is truly among the best of the year and proves that while a lot of shit is being put into the theaters nowadays, there are still plenty of great independent ventures out there being released all the time.
8/10
Welcome back sirs and mams to the place for all of your true horror business. I review alot of films for you guys and well, I really enjoy it. That's why I love getting exclusive content like this to review before it get's a street date because then I can possibly sway you into purchasing a product on DVD/BLU-RAY or I can tell you to burn all of the remaining prints of a film. Now, since last Friday was April 1st, I bet you all thought I watched April Fool's Day and that would be what I would've reviewed next. Well fuck you I'm not a sheep. I hate that film with a passion and I'll save that for a more appropriate time when words aren't so costly. In two days, It'll be time for the 2nd Annual Birdie Awards so I must give something new a chance to win a category, and that's where Blood Junkie and Blood Oath come in. In fact I must say that for this whole month, besides the awards show of course, I'm going to be spending most of my time reviewing nothing but Troma flicks. That's right, April is TROMA MONTH!!!!!!!!!!
 BLOOD JUNKIE (2010)
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Plot: Two high school babes, two happening dudes, and a boy who's five dollars richer all set off on a camping trip full of drinking and sex. The females and guys are expecting a party, but what they get is a massacre!!!!
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My Thoughts: Now this first film was marketed completely as an 80s styled slasher film shot as though it were made back then. And for once, I can say that this was executed as perfectly as it could have been done. It had everything that epitomizes the archetypal slasher flick of that decade. Decent story with small explanations as the film progresses, fun/creative kills, and one bad-ass looking killer (note: This last part isn't necessarily always true. Memorial Valley Massacre Anyone? Followed the formula but had a fucking caveman as the killer. Ugh we'll get back to that later on.)
I'm not gonna lie, this film bothered the shit out of me (In the annoying department not the disturbing one.). First off, the acting is really strange. When listening to the people speak, you can't tell if it's horrible acting or if it's just overacting on purpose and that distracts the viewer while he's/she's trying to pay attention to the story. One second I'm listening to the two guys talk about picking up chicks and then it cuts to the two girls who are saying, "I like love beer alot. Could you do us a favor and let us buy some AAAAALLLLLCOHOOOOOL?" as those they were the goofiest chicks to ever walk the earth. The other big thing that annoyed me was that besides the opening scene, it's about an hour until we even see the killer. And with a run-time of only 72 minutes, that's not good.
If you are a fan of 80s slashers, you'll love this film as it truely does portray itself as an 80s styled slasher. The ending, while I don't see how it makes sense, is a nice one with a decent twist and the Friday the 13th-esque kills should keep atleast some people happy.
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The Verdict: 7.8/10
 Blood Oath (2010)
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Plot: A couple took a blood oath to insure that their newborn twins and crops would be saved, but instead they are tricked into a deal with the devil ending in a car crash in which the couple died, one of the twins was ejected from the vehicle and the other burned alive in the fire and left disfigured yet alive. Fast forward many years later, a group of friends go off to investigate the urban legend of the disfigured twin roaming the woods killing people.
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My thoughts: Unlike Blood Junkie which takes place in the 80s and goes for that retro feel, Blood Oath is just simply put an 80s throwback. It's story is the traditional "Let's look to see if he really exists" plot that killed so many teens back then.
The acting is a drastic improvement over Blood Junkie. It's as if the actors in Junkie were just pals of the director and the ones in Oath are seasoned vets. I can actually sense changes in emotion and everything you'd expect. The kills are in some ways are an improvement too as they are insanely gory compared to the one's in Junkie. The acting and kills just add more scoops of deliciousness to the top of the decent enough story.
THE THING THAT KILLS THIS MOVIE THOUGH IS THE FUCKING LAME-ASS KILLER! Remember how I said I'd bring up Memorial Valley Massacre again? Well that's the first thing I thought about was MVM's goddamn caveman. The killer looks like the product of Howard Stern, Captain Caveman, Fred Flinstone, and Andre the Giant's mixed up spooge that's used to artificially inseminate Whoopi Goldberg. It kills the whole mythology and ruins the feel and atmosphere that the movie had set up as before. And it just drives the idea even more that if you don't have an intimidating killer then your film won't succeed. If the killer looked different and looked more disturbing then I'd gladly give this a score of a 9/10 but I can't. It just distracts and takes away from the movie far too much.
I'd say that as Blood Junkie is recommended for slasher fiends, then I'd have to recommend Blood Oath to fans of over the top cheesy flicks or especially to Troma fans.
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The Verdict: 7.5/10
I would like to thank CAV Distributing and Troma for the movies they sent me to review.
Both are available right now for pre-order on Amazon.com and Troma.com.
Both will be available online on April 12th and in stores on May 10th So pre-order them now so that you could get them as soon as possible.
 The Plot: The water source of a small town is tainted with an experimental "male enhancement" solution that is turning men into raging misogynists. It is up to Phil O'Ginny and his acquaintance Misandra to combat the horrible evil aptly titled "The Taint". Can they survive in a world gone bat-shit crazy? Can a cure be found for "The Taint" or will society be digressed even further to a land of guys with raging testosterone levels and women filled with fear? I'd describe it even farther as "The Crazies on a binge of LSD and Enzyte". --------------------------------My Thoughts: My mailman must really hate me. He delivers around 10 dvds a months to me and does his job as good as the next guy. He's an older fella, is always respectful, and is almost always on time. But when he delivered this to me, he dropped down a few pegs in my book. He just happened to read the return address on the package and asked me one of the most awkward questions I've ever been asked by a public service worker, "What is the taint?" While I could have nicely explained that it was a low budget horror film and that I review movies for my own website, I instead took the obvious setup and explained that it is the area in between the balls and the butthole. He, naturally, looked disgusted and walked away quickly. So thanks again for not putting your name on the return address Drew. :D Now onto the film: I've got to be honest with you. It was as good as I expected it to be. I'm almost speechless. In fact, I might go as far as to say that it could be the best independent horror comedy I've seen all year. It is without a doubt the funniest one that I've seen all year. And with only two months before I give out the Birdie Awards, this sure makes it harder to decide any definite winners.I honestly don't have anything bad to say about the movie. The gore effects were amazing, the film was delightfully disgusting, and the story was fairly easy to follow. I liked how flashbacks would delve further into explanations as to what the hell was going on, the main character (portrayed by co-director Drew Bolduc) was likable yet flawed, and that there are plenty of lines that you could quote from the movie. It's well written to the point that the humor is timed well and all of the supporting characters are even enjoyable. The best parts were the misogynists themselves, whether tainted or not. They radiated of the traditional "you need sex to be a man" thought process and exasperated the lengths that men will go to in order to achieve this sensation. The film also has an undertone that I'm hoping others see in this film. Every man in this movie, except for maybe one of the scientists, is by definition a misogynist. It's obvious when it's portrayed through the crazy people with raging boners and violent behavior, but all of the men show some sort of feeling that they believe women aren't at the same social level as men. For example, my personal favorite character, Misandra's husband. Without being tainted, he spends his time on screen talking about how he beats off to a photo of his wife and lusts for her 24/7. It's as if the tainted water doesn't really make them crazy per say as much as it just expells their most intense sexual drives from their mind to where they are forced to act upon their urges (It doesn't help that it also gives them bigger dicks and larger more copious ejaculations). And I've seen this theme of one's hidden dark side being revealed before in a similar film, The Crazies. And trust me, when you have a guy on the internet positively comparing your film to a classic, your film is pretty fucking good. Directors Drew Bolduc and Dan Nelson did just that. Go watch it or I'll rip your face off. It's 69 minutes of fun. ------------------------------------------------The Verdict: 10/10. "Gang rape is not a joke." "We take it very seriously." ------------------------------------------------Thanks again to director Drew Bolduc for the screener and for helping me mentally scar my old mailman. Thanks to Dan Nelson You can buy the dvd on the film's website:http://www.taintmovie.com/home.html-------------------------------------------------Nudity note: This film is filled with dongs and there are a few sets of boobs.
 Plot: After being stalked by a killer chef in the last two films, Jenny and Sharon are back for so "good ol' slasher fun" in the final installment of what is being billed as "one of the stupidest film trilogies in history". This time around, the workers of a Bong Shop and the workers of a rival cafe are the focus of this crazed killer. --------------------------------- My Thoughts: This movie sucks. Yep I said it. It sucks. It has a decent backstory, but the film itself is just 71 minutes of poorly edited trash that has about as many technical problems with the dvd that a working dvd can have without being illegal to sell. The aspect ratio looks as though the video was stretched a bit then zoomed in. Looks awful on my 32 inch Sanyo. The scenes are seemingly edited together randomly, which in turn makes the movie feel too rushed and makes things not make sense. Both of these problems make this very hard to watch. Now to the movie. While I haven't seen the previous two films yet, I notice alot of things about the overall atmosphere of the film. The movie is self aware of it's own suck, which makes it rather humorous. The acting is awful, the dialogue and situations are dumb but that strangely adds to the charm of the picture. The two best actors in the film, Lloyd Kaufman and Dick Boland, happen to play the two most zany characters in the flick. They were honestly the two best things about the film and they also delivered the best lines. Are their performances good enough to save them from The Fan label I give god awful films? Strangely, in this case, they do. As bad as the editing and writing was, I didn't hate the film as much as I hate the one's in The Fan. The gore was good for low to no budget, the tits were a plenty, and the cook is an interesting killer. Fans of the series and fans of low budget slashers should love it. I say, watch it once or twice. Not good enough for over three viewings, but it's a good way to waste an hour. One last thing though, don't read the description on the back. Whoever came up with it was dumb enough to accidentally hint as to what the ending is. This wouldn't have been a big deal if the movie actually used the premise throughout, but instead it's just employed at the end as if it was a last minute decision. ----------------------------------------------------------------------The Verdict: 6/10. ------------------------------Thanks to Director Thomas Edward Seymour for the screener. If I get the chance, I'll review the first two films of the series someday.
Well I'm back and here with the first ever HMC ON THE SCENE. Last Saturday was Horror Society's 2-Day film festival (A total of 22 hours between both days if you count the breaks). If you want a picture of any of these film's posters, then just email me.
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Here's the movies I saw:
SATURDAY
A Blind Date with Coffin Joe - Nice little tribute to Joe. Funny too.
TXT: The Movie - Funny as hell, had a nice cameo by Ari Lehman, and Derek Dziak was there. Unfortunately he jetted right after it ended so I didn't have a chance to get my copy of The Landlord signed.
Cabine of the Dead - Funny little French zombie short. Glad to see foreign stuff was submitted.
Lonely - Somewhat funny zombie piece. It was a tad predictable, yet heartwarming.
Get off my Porch - Really funny short that reminds me of why I hate Girl Scouts.
Terrorvision - Still a classic. Definitely one of my favorite cheesy 80s horror flicks.This needs a DVD release.
The Guest - Predictable. That is all.
Staplerfahrer Klaus (AKA Forklift Driver Klaus) - Funny as shit. Highlight as far as all the shorts are concerned. I'll post a link of it in the Birdcage.
Popatopolis - Nice documentary on Jim Wynorski. Too bad the Director left before I could get him to sign my poster. Also too bad that they only brought 10 dvds. They were bought before I could get one and have it signed. Guess I'll have to hunt a copy down.
Chopping Mall - Still a classic and was great to follow up Wynorski's documentary. The kills were great and the robots were awesome.
Ugly - Seven Words. What the fuck did I just see?
Slices of Life - Awful just awful. Overused shitty CGI (mainly that dumb scary face thing thats popular on youtube. It's on every type of movie editor. STOP USING IT!!! IT'S NOT COOL OR SCARY!!!!), the stories were written like shit and copy alot of other films (The 3rd rips off both Teeth and Alien), acting was shitty, and to top it off the whole fucking cast was seemingly in the crowd hootin' and hollerin' throughout the whole fucking thing. It's one thing to be happy that you accomplished something, that you have your film premiere in a beautiful theater, and that you get to feel famous but they people were fucking pricks. They clapped and cheered for every name in the opening credits, clapped and cheered whenever someone new was one the screen, and were just loud assholes. You all know that stereotype about blacks being loud? Well it's true. A family of like 20 of them came to see this garbage and were jabberin' throughout the whole fucking thing. Two black kids, whom belonged to that family, were screaming and being scared as shit throughout right in my fucking ears. GOD DO I HATE GENERAL FUCKING ADMISSION. I feel that I won the whole ordeal though. After the film was done, the director looked me in the eyes and asked me if I liked it. Before the flick, he said that if we don't like the flick then we shouldn't tell him. But since he asked, I gave him a shit-eating grin and a death stare as if saying "No I didn't like your fucking movie. Now go finish your Q&A so I can watch A Serbian Film then go home." He says it took 4 years to write. I could have written that in probably 3 hours. Not worth the 2 hours of watching it. I love Indy-horror, but goddammit it it pains me to see a lack of respect for the whole process and then to see people actually enjoy this. I'd personally rate it a 2/10 and I wish the director good luck on his future.
A Serbian Film - The last film on Saturday night, in 35 mm and was pretty good. Sick as fuck as well. Drug on in parts but that could have been the fact that it was 2 AM and I was a tad tired. Can't wait for a US release.
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SUNDAY
Paisley Babylon - This was a bunch of clips set to a soundtrack scratched by a DJ and included sound bites from Goblin's compositions from Dawn of the Dead. Kinda cool, but it started off Sunday morning and 2:00 P.M. is too early for that shit.
Slime City - Still a grind-house phenomenon. The audience generally loved it and were laughing at the cheesy acting, the brain scene, and the splatter effects. Being a contact to Greg Lamberson, I'm happy he chose to show it there.
Slime City Massacre - Very good sequel but it did take me off guard. Did a great job of explaining the back story of the elixir, the "Himalayan Yogurt" and the cult. Splatter and slime effects were pretty cool, loved the Lloyd Kaufman cameo (As did everyone else. The whole crowd was cheering and yelling "LLOYD!!!!"), the acting was pretty good, and the story was written very well. I liked it and so did almost everyone else.
Satan Hates You - This was ok. Didn't like that two lame demons were the "chorus of this tragedy". The dialog was trash in most parts, and the ending was incredibly predictable. Good gore though. Favorite part was the cameo by Michael Berryman (Hills Have Eyes '77) as a pissed off jesus loving hotel owner. Angus Scrimm and Debbie Rochon also had cameos. Oh and this film did make me very pleased as it scared the shit out of two kids to the point that they both left the theater and one was bawling (Movie wasn't nearly scary enough to cause that. They shouldn't have been there anyway.). Two guys also got kicked out for fucking around with a laser pointer. I HATE GENERAL ADMISSION.
Demons - Loved seeing this in 35mm, but the print they had was chopped down due to damaged slides and damaged scenes. Reminds me that I loved the black pimp, movie theaters are my 3rd favorite movie setting (behind only Malls and Video Rental stores), and that Lamberto must have been smoking crack while directing this.
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Got some cool shit too:
DVDS
Incest Death Squad 2 (signed by Cory J. Udler) - $10
George Romero's The Crazies - $15
5 Films By Dario Argento Anchor Bay set - $25
Region 2 DVD of Popcorn - $20
COMICS/MAGAZINES
Army of Darkness: Ash Saves Obama issues 1-4 (#1 is signed by the artist) - $15
Terror Firmer issue 1 (signed by Lloyd Kaufman) - $6
The Toxic Avenger issue 1 - $5
Pinhead issue 1 - $5
Winter issue of Girls and Corpses - Free because I bought 3 DVDs from one vendor.
POSTERS
Popatopolis
Piranha 3D
Resident Evil Afterlife 3D
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Overall, it was a fun times with only a few problems I had with it. They could have had a few longer breaks instead of just 15 minute ones throughout the day, could have had a few better guests, and they one had one small giveaway for haunted house tickets.
I had a blast talking to some great people like Cory J. Udler, whom I talked to about religion for 15 straight minutes, and the theater operators who I must thank for doing the hard work that they do. So until next time, this is your boy JB on the scene.
Welcome back to the the segment where I binge on horror and then mentally break down on my keyboard as I smash random buttons to review films for you. Today is part 2 of 3. I would've had this posted up two days ago, but SOMETHING SUDDENLY CAME UP (High-five if you read that in Marsha Brady's voice).
 Better Off Undead
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Plot: Three college students are chilling on a normal day when zombie's attack! On their way to their "safe house" (AKA one of the boy's bachelor pad), they are forced to fight the zombies and their own personal egos.
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My Thoughts: Not much to say here. It's only 29 minutes long, but it packs a decent punch (Decent enough to get it screened at selected festivals). The make-up is great, the acting is so so, and the plot is... uh... what?
The truth is that the plot is the focal point of this short's failures. During it's duration, the film never truly explains why there are zombies. This leaves plenty of unanswered questions and plot holes throughout it. I understand that at just short of a half an hour, not much time can be spent on focusing on the back-story. But then why not make this longer? Money shouldn't be a problem since there is barely any to begin with so why not? Did the writers just not have a reasonable explanation for it?
The guys behind this also made DVD copies of it for sale. I was unfortunately one of the poor suckers who bought it for the outrageous price of $10. Ok so maybe that last sentence is a little misleading. The film is ok, the features are good enough, but the DVD has a major glitch. If you try to skip a chapter, the audio will go out. It's a hassle to deal with.
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The Verdict: 6.5/10
 Isle of the Damned
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Plot: A group of people in search for Marco Polo's lost treasure. They instead find a cannibal tribe known as the Yamma Yamma in this hilarious spoof of the Italian cannibal genre. For the most part, it is similar to Cannibal Holocaust's plot (Well except for that whole treasure thing).
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My Thoughts: I'll try to keep this one straight forward and short. I love this film! It perfectly spoofs, while still praising and giving homage to, films like Cannibal Holocaust, Cannibal Ferox, and so on. Obvious references include the hilarious dub track they put over the characters' dialogue, the amazingly gory death scenes, and the underlying moral about society's opinion on the "savages" we strive to be different from.
Hell even the cover is an homage to Cannibal Holocaust. Notice the cannibal on the spike, a direct reference to a scene in Cannibal Holocaust, and the "BANNED IN 492 COUNTRIES!" disclaimer in the bottom right hand corner. This is of course in reference to CH's notoriety as a video nasty and it's banning in many places around the globe. And if you didn't realize this, it should become obvious since there aren't even 492 countries in the world. There is more like 196. All in all, it's satirical and funny as shit.
This also is notable for starring fellow Horror Yearbook alumni Larry Gamber as Jack Steele and Antonello Giallo. Glad to see that someone I know can be a part of something so great. If you need any more reassurance as to why you should pick this up, there is an amazing DVD special edition that had an awesome pop-up book styled case on the inside of it and it won a TLA Raw award for "Best New Cult Horror". Go buy it!
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The Verdict: 10/10 "Why do these savages hate us so?!"
 Legends: A Friday the 13th Tale
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Plot: A group of men and women in their twenties go camping. Too bad Jason shows up.
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My Thoughts: This is your generic Friday the 13th fan film with a tiny twist. The Jason in this is pretty much a guy in a store bought Jason costume complete with a mask of Jason's head and the hockey mask. The kills aren't that memorable and the film is only about 40 minutes long.
Now with that said, it's well shot, pretty well acted, and is paced well. It shows good promise from the film company, Godbout Entertainment, and makes me eager to find out if they follow up on this or not. The ending leaves it up for debate, but seeing as they have made other fan films, it's possible for them to follow up on this story. Their site says that a Legends 2 is in production, but it is going to be a separate Halloween fan film. Overall, I'd say watch this if you are a Friday the 13th nut or really bored.
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The Verdict: 8/10
 The 8th Plague
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Plot: Launa, our attractive protagonist, is worried about her sister's strange disappearance (makes sense). Her search takes her and the group of "helpers" to an abandoned prison where they discover an occult, satanic, dark secret from the prison's past.
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My Thoughts: I'll Keep this short. This is definitely one indy flick that you should check out. It's gory, well acted, and it even had a few moments that made me blink and/or jump a bit (and it didn't have to use the pussy way of inserting sharp and loud noises into it's scenes either. Take notes Platinum Dunes).
My only problem with the film is the plot. Not the main idea of plot, but more precisely just some small things and the ending. One scene that comes to mind is one where a couple bumps uglies in a jail cell. Well that's pretty fucking romantic right? Knocking boots in an abandoned/haunted/infamous prison that is said to be a center of evil while they should be searching for their friend's lost sister. What fucking assholes! It is in my opinion a dull, and stupid scene that had obviously only one resolution to begin with. The ending, without giving it away, also contradicts the beginning of the movie. To my suprise, not many reviews I've read have even picked up on this. If you end up watching the film, then look out and see if you know what I'm talking about.
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The Verdict: 8/10
That's it for now, but stay tuned for the monstrous 9 review packed Part 3. Thanks to Celebrity Video Distribution for the 8th Plague DVD and the other 16 DVDs and 1 Blu-Ray you sent me. The rest of the DVDs I bought except for Legends which I downloaded off the company's site. You can buy The 8th Plague here, Isle of the Damned here, and you can download Legends here and visit Better Off Undead's myspace here.
As some of you may know, I had to sweep my computer and delete everything on it. Unfortunately that meant like 6 reviews, 3 of my movie scripts, and a few downloaded videos were lost (Like Metalface, some Halloween Fan Films, and alot of stuff from Retro Horror Remix). So let me make up for lost time by posting some short reviews on a bunch of horror flicks. This is part one of three that I will be posting within the next few days.  Gutterballs
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Plot: Two rival bowling teams (not kidding) get into a scrap at a bowling alley the night before their big "face-off". One of the women gets raped by three of the opposing male bowlers after her teammates have left and she is traumatized. The next night, the two teams go against each other while a killer is running rampant throughout the alley.
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My Thoughts: This being a slasher throwback, it still had managed to make some original and creative kills (including a gruesome and satisfying scene where a woman is sodomized with a bowling pin, someone being killed with a ball polisher, and even someone strangling on a fat, juicy dick). I found myself applauding this movie throughout almost every-time someone was offed. In fact, I have three problems with Gutterballs.
Number One: The Characters are dumb as shit. People are leaving and not coming back and yet that doesn't bother anyone until there is like three people left.
Number Two: The Story is a tad unrealistic. Two rival bowling teams made up of people in their late teens or early twenties who rumble whenever they are near eachother? What is this? The fucking roaring twenties? I'd be more believable if it were two groups of nerds, but these are glam, hot, hipsters/hookers! They should be at home talking about MTV and plastic surgery, not bowling.
Number Three: The twist. It's not horrible, but it seems a bit unrealistic and a tad predictable. I won't spoil it, but something just doesn't feel right about it.
All in all, Gutterballs is one hell of a way to spend a night. Watch it with other horror-fiends, and be graced by one of the best indy films of the new millenia.
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The Verdict: 9/10. Go watch it.
 Hanger
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Plot: A hooker is killed when her pimp tries to give her a home-made abortion. Eighteen years later, the surviving fetus has grown into a horribly deformed and very pissed off teen with a sense of revenge.
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My Thoughts: Not much to say about this one. It's not better than Ryan Nicholson's previous endeavor (Gutterballs) and it in fact might be the worst film he has made to date. The acting sucks and the humor is sub-par. The only thing making this film worth while at all is the gore, which is fucking disgusting yet well played. I'd reccomend it to hardcore splatter fans or people who don't mind feeling nauseous while watching a movie.
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The Verdict: 6.5/10. Blarg.
 I.D.S (AKA Incest Death Squad)
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Plot: An incestuous brother and sister, Jeb and Amber Wayne, carry out the message of their deceased father and "God". Unfortunately the message is to punish sinful tourists by taking them to their farm house and killing them while preaching their cause. It becomes even more tense when our main character, a reporter looking for a story on Chronic Wasting Disease, travels to these deep parts of Wisconsin.
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My Thoughts: I originally saw this back at Horror Society's B-Movie Madness 2 Festival in January up in Chicago. I remember that when when the credits rolled, there was only about 20 of the 80 plus people still in the theater. This could have happened for a few reasons.
First off, it was the last film showed. It followed two horror shorts (Thirsty and Hypochondriac) and two films done by cult genre director Kevin Tenney (Night of the Demons and his latest zombie flick Brain Dead). This meant that the movie started at about 10:45 and got over after midnight. Some people do have other shit to do after all.
Or it could have been because of the extreme scenes of nudity, violence, and religious dialect. It could have overwhelmed the crowd seeing as it was more hardcore than the other films that were shown and that the event was general admission, meaning anyone could just pop in at any moment to see the movies. If the people attending weren't particularly used to this smut on the screen, then they might not have been too enthusiastic to see it to the end.
This disappointed me as the Q&A with the cast and director was cancelled and all I had to remember the film by was a DVD signed by director Cory J. Udler and one of the stars (Greg Johnson).
Now the film itself was actually pretty good. It was disturbing, had some pretty good acting from the lead actors (with some bad performances by some of the lesser roles), and the idea was there throughout the whole film. The only big nitpick I have is the ending. It felt a bit rushed, a bit unsatisfying, and it shamelessly opened up for a sequel (Which is on the way in September). It kind of tarnished the whole mood that the previous scenes had put into place. I'd recommend this to splatter fans or people, like me, who are suckers for horror with religious context. Watch this and then take a nice long shower.
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The Verdict: 8/10. I BELIEVE IN JEB WAYNE.
 The Monster and The Ape
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Plot: A Robot is stolen from a laboratory, an ape kills some people, and the search is on. Sounds like a bad sitcom, but it's actually a cheesy 15 part serial originally shown in drive-in theaters during the 1940's.
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My Thoughts: This has to be one of the coolest yet strangest DVDs I've been sent to date. MVD Visual and Cheesy Flicks sent this to me, and I couldn't have been happier that they did. It's schlocky vintage fun that's released so the young folk get to see what granddad was watching after he came back from the war.
To be honest, the plot is ridiculous, the acting is pretty bad, the effects are cheesy, and it takes about 7 and a half hours to watch it from beginning to end. But that just adds to the charm of it (Well except for the run-time. That might be a little disparaging if you don't watch it in separate portions).
The print quality is excellent, and the dvd is chocked full of vintage ads for even more nostalgic material for great-grandma Sue to ramble about. This might be my sleeper pick for DVD Release of the year.
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The Verdict: 7/10 for the serial, 10/10 for the DVD and presentation.
Thanks to: Ryan Nicholson for the Gutterballs and Hanger DVDs. Extra thanks for signing them and for describing them as "educational" dvds on the mailing package. Cory J. Udler and Greg Johnson for selling and signing the DVD to me back in January. Too bad I didn't realize that more of the crew was there or else I could have had the whole bunch sign it. MVD Visual and Cheesy Flicks for "The Monster and The Ape" DVD. Stay in touch. You can buy Incest Death Squad here, Gutterballs and Hanger here and here, and The Monster and The Ape here. Stay tuned for parts 2 and 3 of this series.
 Plot: Two guys abduct two girls to fulfill their snuff film aspirations. *yawn*
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My Thoughts: Don’t let that fake yawn fool you. I had mild expectations for this film. It had nice cover art, it dealt with snuff films (an intriguing topic), and it is supposedly based on a true story. It somehow didn’t even match my hopes in the slightest.
To start out the film, were are told that the movie we are about to see is a dramatization of the true life events performed by William Allen Grone in the late 90s. Key word? DRAMATIZATION. The choice to put this before the film was a terrible decision as it put the viewer out of their place. They all of a sudden can’t be put into the movie mentally and there is immediately no reason to care about anything they are about to watch (It also doesn‘t help that the characters are morons that we can‘t care about either and the actors can‘t act).
I expected rape, violence, blood, gore, brutality, murder, horrible unjust crimes but the movie had little to give. The most violent part was either a simple little stab or a gunshot to the head. Pretty tame since there wasn’t anything spectacular done to the “victims” when they were captive. Cigarette burns were the worst they got until around 70 minutes into the movie. At the point, I was almost going to turn it off. They tried to interject some hooker crap into the plot, but it didn’t add to the story.
Their biggest problem, going with the fact that the characters are unlikeable, is that no character is explained very much. No backgrounds whatsoever unless you count that one killer is revealed to have erectile disfunction.
At the end, we are given 2 minutes or so of “real” snuff footage shot by Grone in 1998. I’m almost 100% sure that that was another dramatization used to try to captivate the audience like another “movie” did last year (The Fourth Kind). My beliefs are justified even more for the fact that a google search for Grone shows nothing but pages about this movie and other people not having any information about him. It’s very disappointing.
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Verdict: 1.5/10
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Note: 1 pair of boobs in “stock” scenes.
Thanks to Brain Damage films for the screener. Keep your eyes open for my review of Gorno in the upcoming weeks.
 Plot: A troupe of high school cheerleaders head to cheer camp to learn the essentials in order to touch up on their skills before the big competition. Unfortunately they didn't expect an axe-wielding homicidal maniac to be attending. ----------------------------------------------- My thoughts: I usually start off by saying "Wow this was good." or "Oh my fucking god! What the hell did I just watch?" but I am going to go a different route on this one. I know that by just looking at the title, many slasher fans can either immediately tell that this is a horror-comedy or they are thinking that people have really run out of ideas and that they are just going to whore-out the old formula made popular by Jason and the earlier slasher villains. This movie came as a suprise by using a similar formula in a way that seemed as if it were an homage to the campy, fun slashers from the 80s. This could be told by it's use of stereotypes for the characters. You have: - The outrageously beautiful cheerleader who is a naughty slut. - The sort of geeky cheerleader who is actually passionate for cheering - The fat chick who believes she is better than you - The girl who is obsessed with her fat-ass boyfriend - The loner who gets made fun and has a dark past (My favorite in this film. Played by the gorgeous Roxy Vandiver) - The hot guy - The dumb sheriff - The authority figure who is a hypocritical piece of shit - And of course the gay guy who acts like a total princess I also loved the humor of the film and I really enjoyed the setting. (Well... I don't have a clue why a cheer camp is in the middle of the woods but it's all cool.) I also felt the acting was appropriate since they fit the role they were for. I haven't enjoyed stereotypes this much since Black Devil Doll. The best two actors were easily the "goth" cheerleader and the sheriff. I did still have some problems with the film in parts. While I loved the kills, the flesh wounds weren't amazing and they looked too similar (Except for the burn makeup). The CGI used near the end is awful and was a tad frustrating. But my major problem with this film is with a little girl who was introduced near the beginning of the movie. She was so bad to watch and it was laughably bad whenever she would say a line. And I understand that not all kids are a Corey Feldman but this was unbearable. Overall, I approve this very much and it is one of the best indy slashers from the past few years that I have seen. I recommend it to any gore hound and/or slasher fan. ------------------------------------------------- Verdict: 8/10 ------------------------------------------------ Thanks to Kerosene Films for the screener. This is screening at the Dances With Films Festival this weekend, June 5th at 11:45pm at the Laemmle Sunset 5 in West Hollywood if any of you nearby are interested. Tickets, as well as the DVD, are available at http://spiritcampmovie.com ------------------------------------------------- Note: Suprisingly not a ton of nudity in this one. Only one vagina and four boobs. Still watch it.
 Plot: Kevin Marks, a young man tormented by memories of his own childhood kidnapping by Freddy Krueger (Pre-death of course), finds himself once again being stalked by the maniacal killer. With the help of his Native American crush, will Kevin be able to withstand Freddy's powers? Or will he just be fresh meat for Freddy. ------------------------------- My thoughts: In a timeline of the Nightmare on Elm Street films, it's easy to get confused. 1,3,4, and 5 are barely connected plot-wise while 2 is a completely unrelated situation that would just be ignored and Freddy's Dead was the perverbial end. New Nightmare lives in an alternate universe where the viewer is told to know that it's not real and it's just a movie, and Freddy vs Jason is fucking impossible to place anywhere on the pre-existing timelines. The cool thing about Freddy's Return is that it fits nicely in between The Dream Child and Freddy's Dead. It was a great choice by the filmmakers to make it so. This movie is easily the best fan film I've ever seen. And I have seen alot of them (Horror House Cult Murders anybody?). The film does a great job of switching back and forth between Kevin's childhood nightmares and his current day problems dealing with Mr. Krueger. It also, suprisingly, has extremely original kill sequences and to my knowledge only borrows one gimmick from The Dream Master". The acting is spectacular as well. Jennifer Farr and David Buczynksi do great jobs as the two heros of the story. The guy who played Freddy also did a good job. To be fair, Freddy's makeup was great. It had the feel of the original makeup without just looking like an alien or an inbred retard (Sorry "new" Freddy and Victor Crowley). The glove was also damn fine as well. To end, the story was good, the ending was fun, and it never disappointed me. It felt like a direct to DVD sequel instead of just a $3,000 fan film. I honestly prefer it over a few of the sequels. ----------------------------------- Verdict: 9/10. (Some CGI and audio problems docked it a point. Sorry.) ----------------------------------- Sadly this movie isn't on DVD. But you can download it here: http://nightmareonelmstreetmovie.com/freddy%E2%80%99s-return-nightmare-reborn
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Come back in like 4 hours as I wrap-up the Freddy-Thon with the remake.
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